Im satired of taxes

In lieu of the recent tax day headaches, many of you guys may undoubtedly have experienced, we at generation aptathy currently do not suffer at the hands of the tax man, but it does not mean we do not empathize with our readers whose day is made frustrating through the unintelligible tax code the US possesses. So for our readers I mock filled a 1040 and it goes something like this...

name: Charlie
DOB: Old enough to drink
Personal Income: I have a paradoxical enjoyment of the progressive tax code here...
Number of dependents: hmmm..contraceptives=$2...illegitimate children=$500 per...invest for the future here
Employer- where's my job, Obama?!
Deductions: If i could find all those happy hour receipts now....
Contraceptives- Does the gov't really want more of us around?
Taxi Cabs- I do my part, "buzzed driving is drunk driving" according to the gov't, this should be deductible
Newspapers- Its a dying industry that your (Obama, Again) undoubtedly going to bail out.

And now that another tax day has gone by and you get to wonderfully see a substantial amount of your income being given out to the old people, the poor people, and to the children, remember that taxes is the American way. Rather we wouldn't have such a lovely nation, if our forefathers had not complained about their taxes. So for all you working people out there, keep on it. I one day will look into some child's eye and say...$2 dollars deductible and $500 tax refund in the same fiscal year...what a great country.

marathon

I've always admired the people who ran marathons. Of course, there's the chiseled body, the single digit body fat(mines in the double digits, lets just leave it at that), but what gets me is the ability to do the same thing over and over and over again for x hours without any interruptions to the repetition. It's just, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, so boring; yet they can do it. I am never one to admire something and not try a similar feat myself; thus, I must report that I have just completely a 12 hour marathon of Warcraft III. 

It was epic.

Sometimes I was so good, the game was telling me I am Godlike(having a computer tell you that you are are Godlike may sound nerdy, but it actually feels pretty damn good), other times I was so bad the people in the game call me a noob. There were times when I wanted to have a drink of water, or stuff my face with food, or go to the bathroom, then I think to myself marathons are without interruptions. I soldiered on. In the end, it was fuzzy eye sight and a blasting headache that did me in. I finally threw in the towel. If I was still a young man maybe I could have gone another 12 hours (24 hours gaming binge was the norm back in the days), but no, I am an old man. It may be time to ponder retirement. Hall of fame. Maybe.

What did I learn from this ordeal? I am Godlike.

The end

sincerely,

Raymond Chau

soccer is THE sport.

treehuggin.

I am a treehugger. I am the guy who blocks traffic by cruising on the freeway at 60 miles an hour to save gas or put my car in neutral on a slope or not use air conditioning (mythbusters showed that this actually doesnt help with the gas saving but it makes me FEEL like I am saving gas). For us nature loving people, an important holiday just passed. No, not 4-20 you fucking stoners (smiley face, i say this with love). April 22nd was Earth Day; it is to celebrate our accomplishments and to remind us we can do more(and we must). 

I am here to confess my sins. 

I sucked this year as a treehugger. If there was a league for treehugging, I would be batting last at Single A or the 12th man in NBDL. Just down right disgraceful. I have one habit, to call it bad would be an unmistakable understatement. When there is eating involved, I must wipe. There is an urge, a motherfucking desire to just take a large stack of napkins and wipe away. Wiping happens on the first bite, it happens during chewing, it MUST happen after chewing. Shameful. I'd go through a few trees if I am eating something with my hands. It goes something like this, bite, wipe, chew, chew, chew, wipe, suck fingers 1,2,3,4,5, wipe, wipe, wipe. I have issues. 

In honor of Earth Day, please reflect.

Why are YOU a wasteful bastard?

sincerely,

Raymond Chau

Spot that Asian!

Every now and then, I'll write up an Asian spotlight blog to highlight the ever increasing population of those who are marked under "Asian American/Pacific Islander" because it is my belief that our presence has moved now beyond the cubicle warriors on the daily grind and entrepreneurship. Yes that is right, I want to highlight Asian people who are wrecking the white people's shit... I mean, the people who are on the forefront of the amalgamation of our cultures...


This is Michelle Malkin, a republican pundit and conservative journalist. Well even though she is on the supposed losing side, I drop my hat to you Michelle for taking your place amongst the political process. Additionally, Michelle has made many appearances on the Bill O' Reilly show, a fellow republican broadcaster, and I would just like to say, if you had a show I would gladly skew my political beliefs to have you take over the Bill O' Reilly show. I'm doing it for our culture.

taekwondo

Dear Uncle Sam,

          Hi there, hope all is swell. I am writing this letter as a thank you, I suppose, for your contributions of me becoming a permanent house sitter, for the family estate. Ah, where would I be without your endless support and your timely decisions? OH right, I know, I would be doing a 9 to 5er (perhaps a 9 - 9er) somewhere. Miserable, its true. You saved me from that fate. (sweet dude, awesome, THANKS) Instead, I am currently working 9 - 5 on a very comfortable couch in the living room. I know I know, the pay isn't what they hype it up to be, but they give me food and a place to sleep, what more could you ask for right? I am THRILLED. Of course, this job does come with its share of burden, like being yelled at by the masters of the house. Its beyond me how they can say lazy 378903 different ways without sounding redundant. It is a skill that I have decided to learn for future benefits. (YEAH, my kids!) Anyway, I think you get the idea, I love you! 

Good luck with everything this year, 

Sincerely,

Your Nephew

Raymond Chau

Mary Jane tale.

So here I am, making a difference in the world. I bet, with as much monopoly money as you'd like, I can get all of my 3 readers to think twice next time when they want to light up a fatty. The dedicated peeps at D.A.R.E. might even want to send a sizable check my way for doubling their influence with, if I may say so myself, remarkable style. I know, most of you were down right giddy a minute ago about the possibility of me brown nosing Mary Jane (or any other name you might want to give the fair lady), my apologies. Fear not, this isn't what you think either. 

This is a story about a friend (Sidenote: When we rolled through the supermarket on the day in question, we saw two girls walking in front of us, one "black" and the other one "yellow". Surely, I pointed this other to him and made a remark about the perfection of the situation because my buddy is "black" and I of course am "yellow". He went on to tell me that he prefers Latin women apparently due to the amount of donk that they posses. Myself being not a fluent speaker in slang, inquired about the meaning of said word. He manages to tell me that it derives from badonkadonk with you know repeated 43 times as if my multiple exposure to you know would suddenly make me realize that, yes, I do KNOW. What a weird guy). I am a man of my word, of course, and I promised said person I would not be disclosing his name for fear of uncontrollable blushing if he ever happens to meet one of you. Doubtful I told him, but he insisted; and although we at the clan (not to be mistaken with the Klan) posses all characteristics of a high school bully, we tend not to practice peer pressure. So I feel the need to apologize for not having a name for this fellow. 

Let's call him N because he is pretty proud of being nigerian and of his last name which, let me tell you, is a handful to pronounce. So there I am at CSU Pomona (which I was certain to have stood for cow studies university at pomona, but it actually stands for california state university, who knew), N and I did our brohug thing with the intensity of this but perhaps not the creativity. It was decided that after a little soccer (what did you expect from an Asian and an African) that we would go to the Evidence and Alchemist concert. Sweet. I was excited for the opportunity to bob my head in unison with African Nation. 

Before the concert, N informs me that he wants a little session. If your mind wondered to something besides a smoke session, shame on you. So we went the typical route, I'm sure you know how it went down. Shady spot, shady white dude... Nothing special happened at the concert, though I must say, Evidence renewed my interest in rap music. Here's a clip. I was in quite a zone, humming to myself, when the skies parted, the moon came out, and THE question was raised. This is how the conversation went.

"I am hungry"

"What do you want to eat?"

"Cereal"

"...what"

"AND cake.. yeaaaaaaa" (There were some hardcore lip licking right about now)

"....... what"

"Lets go to the supermarket"

"Sigh"

Photo evidence below.

What a spiffy young man, you say. 

You should see what he decided as his dinner.

Even the cashier knew.

Kids, here's the lesson, don't smoke weed. If you really are in need of a good time, abuse other substances. Unless, if your desires are to one day be like Notorious B.I.G. without well.. the notoriety, then by all means, go for it. Obese children are quite the problem. 

Sincerely,

Raymond "still in need of a menacing nickname" Chau

More love interest.

O.o this one deserves the asian eyes

Extreme hardcore slip n slide

I know I know, I said there would only be a post every couple of days or so, but truthfully, I really have nothing better to do with my time. Today, the writers of this blog went to the 3rd annual Powersliding championship in Santa Monica. Powerwhat you say, exactly. So we decided on a little pre championship research and for those of you who have not seen this coolness in action, the following is a small clip of said sport:

cool right?

thats what we thought.

a bunch of rad dudes sliding all over on their levis

boy were we wrong.

Apparently the speed of these "rad" fellows in the video is adjusted, and it is one "sport" where watching it live fails (im being very kind here) to live up to its expectations. Thank god it was a freebie. As you know, most extreme sports have a variety of pretty technical names, for example, when a snowboarder spins 3 full rotations forward, it would be dubbed the "front side 1080". Fitting? We think so. Now the good people of the world of "extreme powersliding" (that is apparently what they are calling themselves) have taken some liberties when it comes to naming their moves, and boy did they strip the sport of its last remaining bits of dignity. I understand that technical names wouldn't exactly cut it in powersliding (a little hard to imagine someone being applauded for a "laying down on a double bar and sliding" move), but calling a spread eagle (think porn) down a bar "DP" falls somewhere between disgusting (men only have one hole) and more disgusting, varying degrees based on your imagination. Especially when said move was pulled off in front of a dwindling crowd of 30 with the announcer screaming into the microphone. It was harder to endure than a friday morning recitation. 

But we soldiered on. 

why?

Kendra 34-24-32 mother****ing Wilkinson

we are men, this is what we like.

and free tacos, we love free tacos too. 

Kendra, Wee Man from Jackass and Johnny Mosley (i dont know if i spelled his name right, some skier) made up the celebrity judges. Loose qualifications. The event was capped off with a cool performance from the suspected druggy band Matt and Kim (nobody sober smiles THAT much). Kim, as we found out half way through the show, is a girl. This caused clan generationaptathy to move from our entrenched location way in the back for a better look. Great decision. Next time we swore to bring cameras. Overall not a bad day of work. 

I want to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have read this blog in its infancy. Your comments and ideas are very much appreciated. Please help spread the word so clan generationaptathy can move out of our respective mother's homes. Thanks

Sincerely,

Raymond Chau

Sidenote: I've realized I cannot be writing these shenanigans without a menacing handle. so I'm taking nickname suggestions. do participate.

Love Interest.

juicy...

NC-17... ?

I was asked the other day what the general rating of this blog will be. (along with a threat of boycott if the droolworthy mandy moore's pictures are posted, but more on my love interest at a later time) This is me setting the record straight.

Although yours truly was once upon a time a suede shoes wearing bad boy (dubbed by... self), and commonly referred my comrades as the 5 letter word that rhymes with igga, this blog will (for the most part anyway) be free of profanity and racial humor, its just too easy. We strive for humor of a much higher quality. 

With that said, however, (you knew this was coming) though the choice language used in this blog will mostly be free of cheap humor and profanity, topic selection is completely fair game. Allow me an example. fuck as we know is a bad word (duh), and one with many uses in many circumstances, we at Generation Aptathy will try our very best to substitute fuck ie. fucking idiot with the likes of say one who is intellectually challenged or pussy with lacking in testicular fortitude; yet the discussion of the origins and the many uses of the word fuck, is a legitimate topic, thus can and will be freely debated.

We support a wiser and more creative America. 

Best believe.

Sincerely,

Raymond Chau

Disclaimer: Balls is not a profane word in the generationaptathy dictionary and thus will be used frequently and without a shred of shame. Thank you for understanding

 

The Modernist Easter

Easter has past and it was time for the pope to give his annual Easter message. Bulgarian born Pope Bendictus XVI formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger decreed that our world has sunken into a downward spiral of moral corruption … Talk about ego, who needs a big hat and organized religion to tell us were breaking their rules. We may all have our gripes with the Catholic Church, but it’s time for the children to get off the laps of their local parishioner, quit collecting their, oh so delicious, sinfully sweet “chocolate eggs” and listen to the man with the hat for goodness sake.

“I support thee, Generation Aptaphy!”

This post is in no means a way to overshadow God's chosen messenger. If the Pope is reading this post, I would like to ask, where can I get a hat like that? For relaying your beloved message, I believe I am due some promotional goods, I.E. hat. Or perhaps, one day, if the Pope feels that he is no longer able to pope it up, I'll gladly substitute myself.

Don’t get me wrong though, this in no way reflects the “God fearing views”, we writers at this particular blog may or may not possess. I myself believe wholly in confession…if it weren’t for it, this blog would be void of any tasteful content. So, respectfully, I’ll lay down my Angels baseball cap to you pope. If it was not for your moral superiority and your exponentially bigger gold laced hat, I’d have no content for today’s blog post.

welcome.

For one reason or another (most likely just the one reason, my shameless begging), you have decided to give this blog a try, and we thank you for this. And in this hopeless economic downturn (seeing how it "turned" a good while back, I was quite tempted to call it just, down, but common sense assured me calling it an "economic down" may perhaps make me sound like an idiot and undermine my eventual rise to superstardom), we are honored to be your entertainment in between resume submissions. If you have read to this point, and are thinking to yourself, these guys are a bunch of morons looking to further deteriorate the quality working hours in America (think facebook) by providing silly jokes and not a shred of useful information whats so ever, then yes, you would be correct. 

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Now if you have read this sentence, you are certainly entertaining the idea that wasting time here could very well be..... well.... entertaining; and brilliant minded (oh yes) writers with dubious educational qualification is most definitely your cup of tea. Please read on.

Generation aptathy is a view of our modern day society through the point of view of two (cough.. ) unemployed (more coughing..) individuals, my permanently up to nogood buddy Charlie, and myself. Though we are by no means unemployable, it is the get rich quick schemes and the sell your soul to the devil dealings that float our respective boat (mine being a much larger boat due to an obsession with all things food). So one day amidst the next ride to ohsorichville through the likes of ebay.com, it was decided that this blog would allow us the platform for one of our few socially approvable skills. 

Please do check back every few days as we promise to bring you the latest bits of useless information and make you the king (or queen) of the water cooler. 

Sincerely,

Raymond Chau